What is a “sexual addiction?”  Is there really such a thing? 

The answer is a resounding “Yes.”  And it is very, very common.  In fact, it is pandemic.

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All addictions and compulsions are, or begin as, attempts to sedate or control our experience in order to exit or self-medicate or distract ourselves from uncomfortable feeling states thoughts.  What has been referred to as “sex addiction” is not entirely different.  Since form is always secondary to content or substance, addiction to sex is usually not really about sex at all.  It is almost always more about fear, anger, a sense of powerlessness or loneliness and the resulting rage, shame, guilt, and sadness.

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It is, as are all addictions, a habitual reaction to, and a concomitant effort to escape from those feelings, together with a sense of worthlessness and an experience of disconnection from others and from God, Spirit or whatever you call your Higher Power. 

 

Sexual addiction is a habitual pattern of seeking connection, safety, and comfort in maladaptive ways.  In this respect, it is no different, from addictions to food, alcohol and drugs, gambling, compulsive shopping or spending, and even excessive working habits (workaholism).

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Sexual addiction occurs when the sexual experience has become the driving force of a person’s whole life to the detriment of their health, partner, children, friends or their job.  Sex addicts are people who have lost the ability to really choose the when, where, why and with whom they wish to be sexual.

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With sexual and pornography addiction, the addict will turn to the illusionary world of sex and fantasy.  Escape from the real world brings temporary relief but escaping too often solidifies a habit and so escape eventually becomes addictive.  This is similar to how an addiction to alcohol or drugs masks the underlying pain of feeling hurt, betrayed, worried or truly lonely. 

 

The main causative issue of pornography and sex addiction is not the need for more sex, rather, it is to control and avoid deep shame, often unconscious, and relational pain via unconscious self-medicating.  It can be the addict’s attempt to avoid the pain often caused by genuine intimacy.  The sex addict is essentially creating a false replacement relationship with someone or something that can be controlled and manipulated; such as a picture, a video or a prostitute. At the same time, the addiction is to the neurotransmitter dopamine, the pleasure drug. 

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Sexually addictive or compulsive thoughts and behavior engage primitive and very powerful parts of the brain and result in the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that makes us feel good.  Sexual fantasy is, thus, one of the quickest and most insidious “highs” that the human being can obtain.  Our limbic systems are designed to protect us from harm, and thus the so-called “fight or flight” response is the body’s automatic reaction to danger. 

 

For many, but not all “sex addicts”, the limbic system has learned, often at an early age — usually in adolescents or pre-adolescence — that sexual arousal is an emotional antidote to feelings of loneliness, fear, sadness, powerlessness, and rage.  Thus, the neurotransmitter’s signals become “crossed”, equating the sexual “high” that comes from the rush of the neurotransmitter dopamine with the sense of safety from a perceived danger, often a chaotic, neglectful or even a physical or sexually abusive childhood environment.  These associative neuronal links can strong and very powerful, making it a challenge to undo them.

 

It's been said that sexually compulsive thoughts or behaviors result in a "high" fster than cocaine.  This is one of the reasons that what is referred to as sex addiction is one of, if not the most, pervasive and understated addictions of our time.  Another reason is the the accessibility of the internet and social media, together with its ease and anonymity.
 

Virtually all addictions have their their roots, at least in part, in chaotic, abusive, neglectful, and otherwise unhealthy childhood environments..  This is not bashing or blaming parents.  Most parents do the very best they can with what they have to work with. That is, parents can only provide an unconditionally loving, safe, and nurturing environment if they, themselves, are emotionally and psychologically

healthy-enough adults.  And that is, in no small part, a function of their own childhoods and genetics.  Parents who are very wounded children in adult bodies are unable to parent in a healthy way.  This is not black and white, because so many of us  adults do not escape childhood unscathed, and without any emotional wounds. 

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The manifestations of addictions are different, but the common thread running through all addictions is the underlying sense of unworthiness or emptiness, a perceived void which yearns to be filled.  Because both our sexuality and eating behaviors are biologically-based, sexual and eating / food addictions share this common element and can be very challenging.

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Sexual addiction and compulsions often manifest in excessive and/or loveless sexual relationships, extramarital affairs, and in many forms of “acting out” behaviors.  These can include visits with prostitutes and internet activity, all designed to engage the mind in sexual or erotic fantasy, including the use of pornography, sexting, and other forms of virtual sexual behavior.  What has been referred to as love addiction, which is also prevalent, is related but involves a relationship  to the fantasy of a love or romantic object, rather than to the other as a sexual object.  

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As with all addictions, sexually addictive behavior is a result of the experience of separateness, unworthiness, shame, and powerlessness.  These feelings need to be acknowledged, ultimately released, and replaced with healthy connection.

This entails working through the energy that fuels the addictive or compulsive behavior.  It is our inner child that engages in all compulsive and addictive behavior.  It is he or she that needs understanding, love, caring, and unconditional support.  Then, and only when one is ready, as is the case with all healing, may the individual be restored to a healthy sense o interconnectedness and self-worth.