Blog | David S. Wilde

Blended Family Challenges

Blended family issues can be complex at best. Sustaining healthy, intimate relationships over time can be difficult and require work, even without children. Adding children to the mix invariably introduces additional variables. Adding children from previous marriages or relationships often complicates matters even further.

It is not unusual for children, especially adolescents or those approaching adolescence, to have an array of strong negative feelings that get stirred up when their mom or dad remarries. Oftentimes the kids don’t even know what it is that they’re feeling. That’s precisely when feelings get “acted out”: when they are not identified or acknowledged (this is true for us all, kids and adults alike). It’s extremely normal for kids of all ages to feel anger, sadness, loss, abandonment, a sense of betrayal, and rage when their parents split up. And more often than not, they don’t even quite know just what they’re feeling. Just the separation and divorce itself often results in such feelings.

Again, add to that the addition of a new partner for the mom and/or dad and many of those feelings are compounded with an additional layer of jealousy of the new partner, fear that the biological parent will abandon the child for their new love interest (which often does happen on an emotional level as when the biological parent really doesn’t pay as much attention to his/her child as before), and an overall feeling of a lack of safety and well-being.

“Daddy’s little princess” can endure tremendous feelings of rivalry with the new love in daddy’s life just as mom’s son can feel powerful feelings of anger and even hatred of mom’s new husband. Even before the step-parent introduces any level of discipline to the non-biological child, a host of feelings can and do arise.

Discipline by the step-parent can be like the ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’, opening up a Pandora’s Box of resentment and acting-out behaviors. When daddy’s new wife or mom’s new husband has kids of his or her own in the mix, there’s even an entire additional layer of confusing and conflicting feelings. There may be jealousy that the “other” kids are being treated differently (and indeed they very well may be). The disciplinary rules and cultures of each family will invariably have their differences.

There may be a sense for the children that this is all one big charade, i.e. sitting down at the dinner table together (with thoughts of “Why are we all pretending to be one family when we’re not?” and “Who are these people?”, and “Why aren’t mom and dad together anymore?”). Not to mention the fact (which, of course I am) that for kids in puberty and adolescence or pre-adolescence, they have their own inherent developmentally normal challenges – biologically, psychosocially, and sexually.

What to do. Here are some Rules of Thumb:

Allow your kids to vent their feelings about all the changes that have happened in their lives and don’t make them “wrong” for having such feelings. This may take the form of one-on-one talks just between each parent and his/her biological kids and/or it may take the form of “family meetings” where everyone gets to talk about their feelings (in a respectful way).
Don’t pretend that nothing has changed. In your desire to have “one happy family” and possibly to deal with your own grief or disappointment regarding the dissolution of the prior marriage, you may yourself be in some level of denial that things have indeed changed. They have changed. Significantly so. And everyone has a right to his or her feelings as a result of the changes. If you carry on with the façade of ‘same old, same old’ make sure you have an extra place setting at your dinner table for the ‘pink elephant’.
Be very mindful of being as loving and attentive to your biological and non-biological kids as possible.
Try to be on the same page as your spouse, that is, be a unified team. This pertains to discipline, family rules, equal treatment of all the children, etc. This may very well require that each of you do some compromising to arrive at a middle ground; you may not be doing things exactly as you were previously. This is a new family. As a result, new rules and guidelines for behavior may be required.
Acknowledge to yourself and to your spouse your feelings about the way that he or she treats his kids and yours, i.e. do you ever feel resentful about his attention to his kids being a little excessive? Do your best to connect with your feelings; encourage your spouse to do the same, and discuss such feelings with him or her in as loving and non-judgmental a manner as possible, which is often going to be a challenge. You don’t have to agree, but express your feelings and at least come to some level of compromise, if not acceptance.
If things don’t get better, consider family coaching or counseling. All of the above may be just too much for all of you folks to handle without an objective third party mediating. If it is, don’t hesitate to get help. You may want to go with your spouse first to explain the history of the conflicts and possibly to root out any issues that may be lurking in your own relationship before you bring the kids in. However, talk to the coach first about the merits of coming in first without the kids who may feel alienated from the process if they’re not included in the counseling from the first session. Also, if any or all of the kids are reflecting new behavioral problems, offer them the opportunity to talk to a counselor alone if they wish; you may want to offer that you’ll join them for the first session and will be quick to step outside if and when they say they want a one-on-one session.
Finally, know that all of this is normal. This may not help much, but it’s true. Try to stay in a place of acknowledging/validating everyone’s feelings and being as loving and supportive as you can be. If you follow these guidelines, you will be minimizing what is oftentimes is nothing less than an emotionally traumatic experience for some if not all of you, and re-orienting your new blended family in a healthy direction.

My Wife Changed After Childbirth

Q. I’m concerned about my wife. For the last year or so, since the birth of our second child, she just hasn’t been the same. Her energy level is diminished; she’s continually quite irritable and on edge, and she doesn’t ever seem to have the time for me anymore. I know that children change relationships but this feels excessive. Any advice?

A. Indeed, children do change marital relationships and often quite dramatically. The priorities shift, and of necessity. Oftentimes the husband doesn’t feel as special or as central in the life of his wife as he is accustomed to feeling. He may not say anything for fear of appearing jealous of the affection that the new infant is receiving from his mom, or he simply may not have words for his feelings.

Overwhelmed and overworked by the responsibilities of parenthood, Couples often don’t leave any or enough special time for themselves. On top of this are the phenomena of clinical depression and in some cases, more particularly postpartum depression that some women experience following the birth of a child. Symptoms include fatigue, lack of interest in previously enjoyable activities, depressed mood, feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt, hopelessness, indecisiveness, difficulties concentrating, significant changes in appetite or in weight, changes in sleep patterns, suicidal thoughts, sometimes homicidal thoughts, or a preoccupation with death.

In fact, one of the most difficult set of feelings that is not entirely uncommon for women to experience following childbirth is aggression, rage, and sometimes even homicidal impulses or thoughts regarding the newly-born infant. These feelings can be quite overwhelming and frightening and are often accompanied by an intense and overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. In any event, such thoughts and feelings should not be taken lightly; a mental health professional should be consulted immediately where such thoughts/feelings are experienced.

Such symptoms may be harbingers of a biological depression that requires clinical attention. When in doubt, don’t hesitate to have an assessment conducted by a qualified clinician. As noted above, even without a finding of clinical depression, the excitement of a new family member is inevitably accompanied by stress and a dramatic change in the family’s interpersonal dynamics.

Talk these feelings out with your spouse knowing there is no such thing as a right or a wrong feeling. If appropriate, consult a therapist or counselor for intervention. It should also be noted that many couples still unconsciously have children for the wrong reasons — to try to “fix” i.e. to apply "spit and glue" to their relationships or distract themselves from their partnerships altogether using the greatest distractions we have in this world: our children.

The truth is that a remarkably high percentage of couples that I have treated dated the beginning of very challenging periods in their relationships to the birth of one of their children.

If you’re experiencing any of the above, ask yourself whether your new addition is the chicken or the egg, or both. And knowing that these feelings are normal, try not to be hard on yourselves.

The Spark is Gone

Q. I want to spice up my relationship with my partner. We’re not affectionate or sexual the way we used to be in the beginning. I feel like the “spark” is gone. Can you help me?

A. There are many reasons why things may have changed and many possible solutions. Firstly, as we know, relationships usually do not remain the way they were in the beginning. Life intervenes. Things change. The chemical/hormonal rush diminishes over time.

As the “falling in love” stage diminishes, the issue of mature love comes into play. That takes work, attention, energy, motivation, and communication. It’s usually easy to be affectionate in the beginning. Later on, we need to make deliberate and conscious efforts to be giving and loving when at times we may feel that we have other priorities. That is the nature of the word “sacrifice.” This may sound like work and in a sense it is.

Healthy relationships require work. So we need to be deliberately aware of and attentive to our own and our partner’s needs, which usually include, among other things, physical affection and sexual intimacy. For many, many couples the so called “spark” diminishes over time and sometimes disappears altogether.

Consider letting go of seeking to find or reignite that “spark” and open yourself up to seeking a higher level of and perhaps a a different level of intimacy than you have experienced before. Perhaps you’re not as affectionate as you used to be in part because you’re losing “touch” or connection with each other. How often do you talk about what’s important to each of you and what’s going on in your lives? Are you staying in touch with each other’s feelings and needs on a regular basis? Do you feel that you both often know what’s going on behind the eyes of the other?

You’re a team and you need to see yourselves not only as individuals but also as a team that works together for both of your highest goods. Your relationship is a gift if you view it as such, and a vehicle for greater joy and meaning for both of you. On a spiritual level, be open to the notion that relationships can hasten our own walk to God, to Spirit, to Truth.

Indeed, it has been said that this is why relationships exist. Sharing your experience with your partner in a kind and loving way is where you start. But you can’t communicate your feelings and needs if you don’t know what they are. The first step is, therefore to get in touch with what you’re feeling and what feels like it’s missing for you.

When you mention spicing up your relationship, I wonder if you are seeking more physical affection, sexual playfulness and excitement. If so, this requires (again) good communication. Have you and your partner ever really talked candidly with each other about what turns each of you on sexually and what you like — or don’t like — sexually and also in the ways of affection and connection? How much detail have you gone into?

A book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman describes how different individuals place value on different sorts of things as demonstrations of love. It is true that some of us place more value on “quality time” together, however defined, physical touch, or emotional intimacy, i.e. talking about feelings. Others place more emphasis on gift-giving, or on sexual intimacy, etc.

It’s important to ask, to learn, and to be mindful of what your partner considers to be important as expressions of love just as he or she should do the same with regard to your wants and needs. In this way, you can both be conscious and deliberate about giving the other not what you may want or need but what your partner wants or needs — which may or may not be the same thing. This is an act of compassion, of devotion and of love. Just as giving your wife a power tool for her birthday may not make her happy (unless she does carpentry work, etc.) or giving your husband a scented bath oil may not do the trick (unless he loves baths), so we need to be conscious of giving what matters to him or her — not what we would want.

Many who complain that the “spark is gone” in their marriage or partnership complain of a lack of, or a lessening of sexual intimacy in the relationship. Even where there is tremendous love and caring in a relationship, the subject of sexuality is often still very awkward, uncomfortable, and taboo for so many couples. Instead of talking about it, many experience themselves “doing” their sexuality in the same ways they’re accustomed to, without ever really checking out if it’s meeting each partner’s needs.

In my years of experience working with so many couples, very, very few are comfortable with actually talking openly about their sexual relationship. When it comes down to sharing what things are “turn-ons” for them, it’s almost like we’re living in the Victorian era. There’s still a lot of shame associated with revealing sexual thoughts, feelings, and ones sexual past; candid talks about sexual fulfillment and eroticism are still far too rare between couples. Yet it’s so very important that couples do discuss their sexual needs, desires, thoughts and feelings. Thomas Moore has written that sexuality and spirituality are flip sides of the same coin: when one side is blocked, the other side is directly affected. This is very insightful, because our sexuality is a very deep and core part of our human selves and of our souls.

Perhaps a good way to start this dialogue, if it is awkward, is to talk about the awkwardness, the sense of discomfort or shame, simply as a starting point. We each need to confront our own shame or discomfort and work through it in order to be able to communicate openly with our partners. And our partners are the best persons to do such sharing with (in addition to ones counselor, coach or therapist) because it leads to increased emotional and, of course, sexual intimacy.

Start where you are, but have as a mutual goal revealing more of your sexual needs and desires, thoughts, experiences, and preferences. Do it in baby steps if necessary. Plan a “date night” to not only have dinner but also to share these topics with your partner. Be courageous and open up that compartment in your brains that, for so many, has remained locked and separate from all that is shared. It is my hope that, by doing so, you will feel closer with your mate, more loved and loving, and more joyful.

How do I tell my boy we’re getting divorced?

How do I tell my 7 year-old son that his daddy and mommy will never live together as one happy family again? I’m only a few weeks into the process of a painful separation from my husband and I don’t know what to say to our little boy. His dad moved out less than a month ago. Up until now I’ve just told my son that daddy’s on a trip. But I can’t continue to use that as an excuse. I’m so scared of wounding my little boy. What do I say?

Telling a child that his mommy and daddy are no longer together is never an easy task. It may feel heartbreaking or almost impossible to do. There never seems to be a good time, and the words don’t flow. Realize that while it’s a difficult talk to have, it’s very, very important to do so in a heartfelt, loving, and timely way.

First, be mindful of the age of your child and gear your talk accordingly. A 15 year old has a greater ability to understand and digest certain information than does a five year old. So the chronological and emotional age of your child needs to be taken into account.

Also, recognize that kids are often quite a bit more aware of what’s going on and savvy about adult relationships than we may acknowledge and give them credit for. Ultimately, this very painful piece of information that one parent is leaving the marital home needs to be shared for children old enough to understand. It’s important that this critical information not be sidestepped in your effort to insulate your child from emotional scarring.

While it’s often not necessary and can indeed be harmful to relay many of the details leading to the split up, it is important that a child who is old enough to understand be honored by being told the truth in terms he or she can understand. Indicating, for example, that mommy and daddy are happier living separately may suffice.

What’s most crucial is that it be emphasized that both parents love the child deeply and that this will never change. The child needs to know that ‘daddy’ will always be his daddy and ‘mommy’ will always be his mommy. So often children feel erroneously responsible for their parents separating. This is a very common psychological dynamic. It is not unlike the propensity of humans to unconsciously find a way to feel painfully guilty following the death of a close relative. Where a child expresses any hint that he or she might be partly to blame for the split-up, it is of the utmost importance firstly, that, such feelings be allowed to be heard, and secondly, that the child be assured that he or she is not at all responsible for the breakup, without invalidating his or her feelings themselves.

Certainly, issues pertaining to the spouses’ relative culpability leading to the separation need not be shared with children caught in the middle. It is also most important that, regardless of any anger or bitterness that each parent may have towards their estranged or former spouse, that such negativity not be relayed to the child in substance or in tone. Remember that your child is and will always be a blood relation to your spouse though you are not.

Don’t leave him with toxic and unnecessary information or perceptions that can only hurt and not be constructive. For more guidance, visit the Self Help section of your bookstore. There are a number of books on the market written specifically to guide parents through this very difficult and trying process. One such book, It’s Not Your Fault, KoKo Bear by Vicky Lanski comes to mind.

How can I tell if I’m “In Love” or not?

This question presumes that being “in love” is a good thing, something which will tell us if we’re with someone whom we might consider for our future spouse or life partner. Indulge me here because I’m going to change definitions around a bit and suggest that we view the term “in love” a little differently, not as a good thing but actually as a temporary drug-induced fantasy state, in contrast to real and meaningful “love” which is a higher level state, capable of leading to long-term connection, fulfillment and happiness. Please read on because I’m not, in all cases, putting down romance or feeling wonderful about someone you’ve recently met and for whom you have strong feelings. But I am making some important distinctions.

In The Road Less Traveled, Scott Peck contrasts the state of feeling ‘in love’ with the act of deliberate and conscious loving. In our culture, ‘being in love’ usually denotes that euphoric, head-in-the-clouds feeling and ‘honeymoon’ period that more often than not is short-lived. Love, on the other hand is referred to by Mr. Peck as a conscious choice to extend oneself for the spiritual benefit of oneself and another person. The ‘in love’ feeling is often based, at least in part, on hormonal activity that produces a sense of wellbeing and is also the result of lust which increases the level of dopamine in the brain’s reward center (part of the limbic system) which is wired to help propagate the species.

Hollywood and Madison Avenue do a wonderful job of painting an illusory image targeted to our egos of what our romantic relationships should look like. The advertising industry is all about selling us things, many of which we simply don’t need. The underlying notion is that we are not okay and loveable just as we are, but that if we just wear this outfit, try this perfume or cologne, drive this car, or flash this watch, etc. (you get the picture)? then we’ll really be happy. This is nothing less than an epic myth and an unabashed deception. But without such deception it would be virtually impossible to sell us so many of the unnecessary products and services that we purchase.

The real truth is that when we are in that infatuated state known as being “in love”, our brain is literally ‘on drugs’ Big time. I’m talking about the internal release of neurotransmitters including dopamine (known as the ‘pleasure hormone’) and oxytocin (known as the ‘cuddle hormone’) as well as others. Regardless of how glamorous it may appear on the screen, we are not entirely emotionally or spiritually conscious when we’re in that state. In truth, we are not yet really in a position to truly ‘love; consciously while we’re in that state of infatuation. We simply aren’t ready to do so. Scott Peck’s sometimes controversial assertion is that real love is not a feeling but rather a deliberate choice, decision, and commitment to another human being and oneself for the highest good of both. This type of love cannot begin to occur until after the ‘honeymoon’ period of infatuation commonly known as being or falling ‘in love’ is finished (for the many of us that go through the infatuation or ‘honeymoon’ period first). (Please don’t confuse semantics with ideas. If you define ‘in love’ as being a high state of conscious choice to partner, connect with, and care for another for their highest good notwithstanding feelings you may have that, in any given moment, may be good or may be bad or negative, then I would equate that with the concept of the love to which Dr. Peck has referred.)

If you want to know whether you’re ‘in love’ or consciously loving another, start by answering these questions:

Are you absent-minded, forgetful, or anxious, i.e. if your love interest doesn’t call you soon or often enough? Are you losing or misplacing important things, such as your keys, purse, wallet or cell phone? Did you forget an important appointment, neglect to return an important call, or place your newfound love’s interest in front of that of an old friend, a parent, or some other important obligation? If you’ve been in this new relationship long enough, are you somewhat quick to anger if other expectations of your partner’s behavior aren’t met, i.e. he or she cancelling a date or forgetting to return your call, etc.? The real question is whether you are on that neuronally-induced roller-coaster ‘high’ that feels so wonderful but never lasts forever. That is the question. Even if you answered ‘no’ to all of the above questions, you may still be in a state of infatuation. However, if you did answer ‘yes’ to even some of these questions, there’s a fair chance that you may be in — or on your way to being — ‘in love? or, more accurately, in a state of infatuation.

Why is it important to know if you’re ‘in love’ or truly experiencing ‘love’? There are so many reasons, but I’ll mention just a couple.

For one thing, it is crucial not to make any important, major life changes or decisions when you’re in that state of infatuation. As obvious as it may sound, when you’re feeling that you’re ‘in love’ it’s not a good time to leave your spouse, to file for divorce, to move to a new town or city where your new partner lives, to give up your job or career path, or to abandon an old friend.

When you’re in that state, you need to know that your judgment is skewed. If it helps, imagine that someone has spiked your drink and that you’re not thinking clearly even though you think you are. It’s sort of like having a friend tell you that you’ve had too much to drink and he or she insists on driving you home even though you want to insist that you’re ‘fine’. Your brain chemistry changes are subtle and insidious and can cause you to do things, say things, and make changes in your life that you may later regret. The good news is that, just as that drug in your drink will eventually wear off, so will you regain your perspective and good judgment following a period of infatuation with your new partner.

Secondly, if you’re seeking a long-term partnership or marriage, being able to answer this question will help you navigate through the world of dating to decide with whom you want to a long-term and lasting love relationship. It will save you a tremendous amount of false starts, emotional heartache, and upheavals in your life based upon your potentially misreading the compatibility of any number of potential partners if you but take the time to ‘wait out’ the ‘honeymoon’ phase until you reach a place of truly knowing your partner and being truly known by him or her.

On a most profound level, however, it’s important because learning and knowing how to ‘love’ can be said to be a most — if not the most — important human spiritual lesson and challenge. You have the potential to experience states of deep and exquisite intimacy and connection which are perhaps far greater than you’ve known before. There will be joyful times and scary times and you will feed naked emotionally more than you may be comfortable with. In fact, as Marianne Williamson has said, it’s just when we’re beginning to get really emotionally intimate with a potential partner or love interest that we tend to take our clothes off and have sex. We think we’re getting more intimate; in fact, our having sex at those moments is often an unconsciously most effective way of putting a stop to the deeper and more vulnerable emotional intimacy that’s just waiting to happen. That state is the emotional nakedness that is much scarier but that results in a quantum leap into emotional connection which is light years more meaningful, powerful, and lasting. Getting closer by being emotionally more and more genuine and vulnerable may not be as glamorous or make for great Hollywood movies or sexy commercials, but you will be building a house on a solid foundation, not on sand and dopamine.

Alternatives to 12-Step Programs

The twelve step groups are extremely effective for many people. For those that resonate with their philosophy, they can be wonderful and incredibly powerful. Indeed, they have saved a lot of souls. They are not, however, the only path to recovery from alcohol or other addictions. The 12-step programs have become the treatment of choice in many drug and alcohol programs and are even state-mandated in some areas for violations such as drinking while driving, drinking-related adverse behavior in the workplace or other drinking-related offenses.

And, if you’re not spiritually-oriented and don’t believe in God or a Higher Power, where does that leave you?? Know that you can get effective help without going to a 12-step program. There are other options. One approach to taking back control over your life from drinking (or from any addiction) is based on the Rational Emotive Therapy instituted by Albert Ellis.

This approach focuses on your own will, your choice, and the fact that you have the power to control your behavior if you choose to do so, knowing full well what the alternative consequences are. This approach is inconsistent with the disease model approach of the 12-step programs. Many therapists who specialize in substance abuse are likely to follow the disease model approach and support AA or NA as an essential component of treatment. Ask them upfront what their orientation is on the phone towards effective treatment.

Certain approaches are more suited to certain individuals. However, first and foremost, take ownership of your problem today and begin to take baby steps to regain control, by whatever approach suits you and by seeking the help you need. It is available and you can take your behavior back, save your marriage, and save your life.

Dealing with a difficult co-worker in a dysfunctional workplace

What do you do when a co-worker is blatantly hostile to you, takes credit for your work, and, cozying up to the boss whenever possible, undermines you at every opportunity, and what’s more, your boss doesn’t see it?

Dealing with difficult co-workers is a very common challenge for so many in workplace settings. Working together, often in close proximity, spending often well over 40 hours per week at work, our daily grind can feel nightmarish unless we have healthy and mutually-respectful relationships with our co-workers.

Coping with such a co-worker requires a delicate balance of assertiveness and gentleness. Always start by talking it over with the individual. It’s best to first ask your co-worker if you both can talk at a convenient time, perhaps over lunch or after work, but not when you’ll both feel rushed. Before you meet, make sure that you’ve taken a few deep breaths and are feeling as peaceful as possible. Close your eyes and try to imagine the talk playing out in the best possible way, envisioning even a hug or hand shake at the end, marking a mutual feeling of relief. At the very least, don’t go into the talk feeling angry or irritable. Then, candidly share your feelings about what?s going on. It’s most important that you use ‘I’ statements as to how you feel about the circumstances, trying as best you can not to direct blame, if at all possible, but rather to explain how certain events have left you feeling. This will increase the likelihood of your co-worker not getting his/her ‘back up’ and of your being truly heard.

If your colleague is reasonable, he or she may be able to hear your concerns and may surprise you by being sympathetic. It’s also possible, however, that your co-worker may have a different ‘take’ on things, perhaps even a grievance towards you, so be prepared for a different perspective. You may need to look at some of your own behavior as well. Or there may be other dynamics at play. Communication is a two-way street so try, as best you can, to be open to his/her feelings and perspective. If he/she is defensive and hostile, or unresponsive, and the situation doesn’t improve despite your best efforts, your options are three-fold.

You can pursue the matter with your supervisor and/or with HR and hope that things improve; you can decide to accept the situation as is, but only if you feel you can live with it without undue stress; or you can begin looking for other jobs, either within the organization or elsewhere. If you do choose to stay, be honest with yourself: if you feel you are living a hellish existence day-in and day-out at work with no realistic hope for change, then accepting the situation as is should not be an option simply because it’s not for the highest good.

The truth is, that in many workplaces, the level of unhealthy competition, bitter rivalries for a supervisor’s praise or affirmation, and sometimes vicious jealousies can often make ones work environment feel more like a dysfunctional family rather than a place of business. In fact, the work environment often replicates just that — a dysfunctional family — with the symbolic equivalent of a parent who’s codependent, unhealthy, and unequal in his/her treatment of the ‘kids’; and sibling rivalries between the ‘children’ for daddy or mommy’s attention and praise. Often there’s even the ‘golden boy’ (i.e. the preferred child) who can do no wrong, as well as the ‘black sheep’of the family, all played out at work on a subliminal, yet very real and palpable level.

It’s very important for you to have an honest appraisal about the above unconscious yet equally real dynamics that may be at play in your workplace. Know that the interpersonal dynamics within a corporate department or in a small business are often rather entrenched, based on the personalities of the ‘players’, their respective power within the organization, and the group dynamics. Thus, if the co-worker that’s causing you stress is the boss’s ‘golden boy/girl’and, thus, has his or her protection, it may be difficult, if not impossible to change the status quo.

An honest appraisal of the politics and whether there’s any maneuverability there is essential to deciding how to proceed. If such dysfunctional dynamics are at play and you do choose to ‘rock the boat’ and take matters to a supervisor or boss who is allied with your problematic co-worker, you’ll essentially be ‘fighting city hall’and not likely to succeed, no less so even if you take it a step further and proceed to HR. So be wise.

The ultimate challenge is to remain loving and not become angry or retaliatory even if the circumstances and alliances are not in your favor. In fact, this is the highest spiritual challenge — to be loving and kind to those who are not peaceful and thus, not kind to you. That doesn’t mean, however, remaining in a position where you are being abused or disrespected. Or one where you aren’t receiving the appropriate credit for your work. Loving yourself would have you be kind to yourself. And sometimes the most loving and kind thing you can do for yourself, when faced with adversity, and where you’ve remained calm and centered and have exhausted all other avenues of redress, is simply — to move on. The beauty is that you do, indeed, have the power of choice.

He won’t talk about his feelings

Have you noticed that, for many men, feelings are not a language they speak (with the exception, of course, of anger, frustration, irritation, and perhaps sexual feelings)? People unfamiliar with the “language” of feelings may never become “fluent” in it, because if they came from an environment where men don’t discuss feelings, it’s like teaching one who only sees in black and white what color looks like — but, believe me, it’s not impossible. It’s my belief that we all have feelings but that many of us (particularly men, but also including many women) a) haven’t learned how to first even notice or identify feelings (other than irritation or anger) when they come up, and b) haven’t a clue as to how or what to communicate them once they’re aware that they are, in fact experiencing ‘one’.

In my coaching with couples, I use a circle and place what I call our “primary feelings” inside the circle and our “secondary” feelings & behaviors on the outside. (I explain that we’re excluding the feelings of joy or happiness because that’s, obviously, not a problem that brings couples in for help); so what we’re looking at is what I call negative or uncomfortable feeling states.)

I explain that when we’re significantly upset in any way and not in touch with the primary or more tender feelings on the inside of the circle, we tend do one of several things. These things we do are ways of coping, are unconscious, and are based on the limbic system’s’ ‘fight or flight’ response. That response is still neurologically wired into our human brains just as though we were still living in the jungle and had to protect ourselves and loved ones against predators. When we get into an argument or quarrel with our significant other, that autonomic limbic system has us either withdraw, i.e. flight (in one of several ways) or argue, i.e. fight in response to what appears to our nervous system to be real and present danger.

So, unless we’re very conscious of our feeling states, we tend to “act out” the energy of those feelings (and feelings are, in fact energy) in one of several ways: withdrawal (i.e. pulling away either physically, emotionally, or perhaps avoiding being home), anger (which can range from mild irritability to rage and result in much undue drama in your relationship), and sometimes in addictions (such as excessive time in front of the computer, the internet, or excessive time out drinking with the boys, etc.)

What sits below those behaviors and “secondary feelings” are inner or core feelings.

It's like peeling an onion. As you get to the core, you find the more tender feelings, which are all variations on the following spectrums, like the hues of color on a color chart, ranging, on a continuum, from very mild to very extreme, and falling, for our purposes, into one of several distinct and identifiable categories. These categories don’t reflect all of the feelings scientists have discovered that humans are capable of experiencing, but are the most significant ones that couples confront regularly, based upon my years of my psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and my coaching practice with couples.

There’s sadness (ranging from feeling slightly “blue” or a sense of isolation/loneliness/disconnection or a sense of loss), fear (ranging from slight concern, apprehension to terror at the other extreme — always related to the future), and two related feeling-states, namely, shame and guilt (both relating to feelings of inadequacy or having done, thought or said something “wrong”). Note, also, that sexual feelings also constitute a type of feeling but aren’t relevant to this discussion. The reason we react (rather than respond) by “acting out” in either anger, withdrawal or some form of addictive behavior is because of the nature of our limbic system and the ‘fight vs. flight’ dynamic.

As stated above, our nervous systems can’t differentiate between being confronted with a wild carnivorous animal in the jungle vs. our partner being upset with us or pulling away from us emotionally. So our nervous system goes into flight/flight mode and the “secondary” emotions and behaviors above are examples of what that actually looks like in the context of intimate relationships.

So our goal, in our relationship work, is to learn to “peel the onion” from the outer layer of behaviors (the secondary level) to what’s really going on underneath. This takes emotional reflection or insight, honesty, courage, and is oftentimes facilitated by a third party who acts as coach or therapist. It is an incredible phenomenon to watch anger or withdrawal dissolve into thin air when individuals who weren’t aware of what they were really feeling connect with their more primal and core feelings.

That is a big part of the work for both partners, but particularly for the partner — often the male — not used to “speaking the language of feelings”. Feel free to view my video on on “Peeling the Onion & Mending Your Marriage” on this website.

I have a number of suggestions I hope will be helpful to you. Again, firstly, know that your experience is not at all uncommon. Good and healthy marriages take lots of work. There are things you can do. The good news is that I’m worked with scores of men who have learned how to identify feelings and then talk about them. I’m talking about men who seemingly had no clue as to what they were feeling previously. Many have told me that they didn't even know what sadness or shame felt like, having never experienced them. My perspective is that we ALL experience the range of feelings but many are not aware of them when they come up. Think of it almost as a form of numbness or emotional anesthesia.

Firstly, working with a marriage counselor or relationship coach who first teaches you what feelings are (yes, this can be taught) and secondly, helps you to learn how to express them, can be very, very helpful. It’s important that both you and your husband feel a rapport with, and trust the competency of any therapist or coach you choose to work with. Shop around. Ask yourselves if you’d be more comfortable with a male or female counselor. Speak with several coaches or counselors until you find one that feels right for both of you. Make no apologies if/when it doesn’t feel right. Your marriage needs a communication overhaul. There is only one place this can begin: where you both are now and what both of you are experiencing.

Channels of communication need to be opened up in a safe and supportive way. There is a good chance that, unbeknownst to him, your husband may also be feeling lonely, sad, or disconnected, but in his own way, perhaps not even knowing it. He may not know that anything is missing. Men are so often different from women in that many may need less emotional interplay and communication to feel safe and grounded.

One piece of good news is that men can learn to be more emotionally communicative: the only requirement is that they are at least open to the process. I’ve seen it happen time and time and time again. At the same time, women also need to learn their husband’s “native” language of communication which is not always via words — which may be far different than that to which they are accustomed. A good book to read on the subject of the different languages that people — especially men and women — speak is “The Five Languages of Love”.

The first step is to sit down with your husband at a time that feels safe, and really let him know the depth of your despair. Make sure you check out with him when is a good time to talk or you’ll be wasting your energy and end up feeling more disconnected, disheartened and actually worse. Don’t hide your sense of loneliness or disconnection from him. When it sinks in that you really are unhappy, it is likely that he’ll be concerned and want to make things better for you.

In addition, for you, the woman, make sure that you don’t overlook the importance of spending time with and relying on others in your life for connection and support — on friends and family. That is, notwithstanding your goal of increasing intimacy with your husband, know that a balance is ideal where your needs are not all met from one person. If you don’t have enough of a support network, work on building one through engaging in activities that you enjoy or perhaps joining a support group.

If your husband is adamant against being in couples relationship coaching or marriage counseling, don’t rule out the possibility of seeing a coach or counselor yourself to help you cope and deal more effectively with the challenges you’re facing. Things can and will improve if you are steadfast. Remember: you are entitled to feel happy, to feel at least minimally connected to your spouse, and to have love and joy in your life.

I’m in my 30’s and still living at home

I am in my thirties and I’m still living with my parents. It’s embarrassing. I want my own life and my own family but I don’t know how to go about making that happen. I’m in a job where I do not meet new people that often. My parents both have their share of issues. Their marriage isn’t great and they fight a lot. My dad has some health concerns and we are worried about him. I feel they both need my support and that it helps them for me to live with them. I feel too guilty at even the thought of leaving their household. I feel trapped.

It sounds like you’ve taken on a great and undue sense of responsibility for your parents’ welfare. Family is wonderful and incredibly important. But when you support your parents at the expense of your own life and independence, you are unwittingly practicing martyrdom.

In reality, you’re not being loving to yourself or to them, because healthy love and support does not require that we sacrifice having our own needs and goals satisfied. While you may feel that your remaining at home is helping them, consider that you may indeed be protecting them from themselves and thus enabling them to remain unaware that their relationship needs some work. You may in fact be acting as a buffer for whatever problems exist in their marriage and thus unwittingly contributing to their being in a somewhat of a state of denial over such issues.

It would behoove you to consider whether living on your own brings up any fears of your own of which you’re not fully aware. It may be easier for you to justify living at your parent’s home based on their situation rather than confronting your own fears of doing the work that separation and independence require. Everyone follows his or her own timetable and path. So you need not feel embarrassed. But you need to recognize and really embrace the fact that what you're doing by living at home is probably neither healthy for you nor your parents.

Ultimately courage is required for you to move forward. Courage is only courage when it is exercised in the presence of fear.

I Give and Give and I get Nothing Back in Return

I always give everything I’ve got to my relationships — to my husband, to my kids, and to my friends. I’m just realizing that I’m not getting anything back and I’m starting to feel resentful. I am the most giving person I know but why don’t people reciprocate at least a little bit?

A. Do you give to yourself as freely and easily as you do for others? Your generosity of heart needs to extend not only to others but also, and notably, to yourself. Do you take care of your own needs sufficiently? Do you love yourself? If you don’t, others may take advantage of you.

The reason is that the message you might be sending out unconsciously and on a subliminal level, is that you’re not as important as are other people. If that’s your truth and your core belief system, others will pick up on that and give you what you think you deserve, which may be nothing at all! The Universe works that way. Your internal beliefs and reality are reflected back to you in your experience of others. Everything we see and experience is a projection of our own internal landscape.

The challenge then becomes to find your way to truly accept and love yourself more fully. When you truly do this, people will respond to you in kind. Putting others first and taking care of their needs above your own can also be a form of codependency, which is essentially needing to be needed or being accustomed to, and dependent upon, others being dependent on you.

By the way, loving yourself more fully includes letting people know, in a gentle way, that you need something when you do. Also, consider your motivation: Why are you giving? Be as candid with yourself as you can be. If you’re giving with an expectation of a return, then you’re giving for the wrong reason. Giving is its own reward. Try these suggestions on for size and see how that feels.

If you’re struggling with these issues and feel you need help, consult a life coach, relationship coach or counselor to work with. Consider reading Codependent No More or find a local CODA group near you for information and support.

I feel guilty; I was so mean to him.

I feel guilty because of how I dealt with my ex-husband the other day. He treated me like crap the whole time we were together, which was about five years, and now he keeps calling me, crying and complaining that his life is not the same and that he wants me back. I’ve been rude and hard and really cruel to him, telling him that he deserves everything that he gets. He was always self-centered and never focused on my needs. Even when he calls me, it’s still all about him. He doesn’t even ask me how I am. Part of me feels justified in treating him badly but the other part of me feels like I am kicking him when he’s down and it’s not right. I can’t seem to find peace with this.

It’s understandable that you feel an awful lot of anger towards your ex-husband although you didn’t say how long it is that you’re apart. At some point, it behooves you to try to work out your anger so that you can let go of it. If it’s been a significant period of time since the break-up — and that’s a personal issue as to how long that is — you may want to consider some type of personal coaching or therapy to help let go of your anger.

Anger is understandable when we’ve been hurt; it usually masks the hurt. The problem is that it’s like the hot potato. Whoever ends up with the anger is holding the hot potato and it’s not something you wanna be holding: it’s toxic; and it’s energetically, emotionally, and spiritually depleting. It’s also not good for your physical health. From his lack of interest and focus on you and your needs to this very day, it sounds like he hasn’t changed much. That’s not your issue; it’s his. When you’ve sufficiently worked out your anger towards your ex-husband, you’ll be on the road towards forgiveness. This is something you may not want to hear right now. But it’s vitally important for healing.

From the perspective of A Course In Miracles, the greatest way to know love in this ego and bodily-based physical world is to forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you condone someone’s conduct or that you weren’t hurt or that you accept their behavior. It does mean that you recognize that your ex-husband did the best he could with what he had to work with. Meaning that through his lens and mental status and perspective, he gave what he could or was able to. That doesn’t mean that he was sufficiently loving or that he wasn’t selfish or narcissistic with you. But it does mean that with whatever limitations he had/has, he gave/gives what he could/can. And from this perspective, you CAN forgive (at some point). You have the power to choose to do so.

The other part of your challenge is to forgive YOURSELF for your anger, your judgment, and your words. It’s hard to be loving and forgiving when you are feeling hurt. And you are clearly still experiencing some degree of hurt related to your ex-husband. Try not to kick yourself about that or about what you said to him. You can’t take the words back. What you can do, however, is to strive towards a level of acceptance of who he really is and, from that vantage point, treat him less harshly and maybe even with some degree of love or acceptance in the future. If you struggle with doing that, you might want to limit contact between the two of you, telling him that you are too angry still to deal with him or talk to him. It really doesn’t serve your highest good or his by speaking to him when you’re still in an emotional space of hurt and anger that you’re apparently still in.

Try some deep breathing or meditation to calm yourself when you feel yourself getting upset. And try not to talk to people who push your buttons (like your ex-husband) at all, if possible. If that’s not possible, try to center yourself (which raises your vibration) before you have a conversation with people who are likely to upset you.

The Empty Nest Syndrome

My husband and I are always arguing. It seems to be getting only worse. We’ve been married for over 20 years now and really do love each other very much. However, the bickering is getting out of hand. We have three girls — two of whom are now in college and the third one of which will be applying to colleges soon. My husband and I have more time together as a result and don’t quite know what to do with this extra time.

It sounds like you may be dealing, at least in part, with the beginning of the proverbial “empty nest syndrome.” Two of your three children are now out of the house and the third will be on her way shortly. This changes the dynamics of your relationship with your husband significantly.

I think we underestimate the extent to which our time and attention as couples is focused on issues pertaining to the care taking of the children in a relationship. This goes on for many years, not weeks or months. When the children do leave the house to go away to school or to get married or live on their own, it opens up a lot of time and space that couples are unaccustomed to having in their relationship. In a sense, it requires a re-acquaintance between the couple and perhaps a new lease on the couple’s relationship.

Many couples feel that they don’t even know their spouse particularly well since they’ve been so focused on their children’s’ needs for years, often to the exclusion of their own needs and those of their spouse. Minor annoyances or irritations in one’s spouse’s personality which may have been overlooked for years may feel heightened or exaggerated. Disagreements or arguments may often be less about their content than the relationship’s discontent.

In addition, to use a popular term, ‘mid-life crisis’ challenges of aging, mortality, and desirability may be coming up for you. Although this is a challenging time, it can also be seen as a wonderful opportunity for a new level of intimacy to be introduced into the relationship. Consider taking a marital workshop designed to enhance intimacy, enter couple’s counseling or marriage counseling, work with a Relationship Coach, or consider buying one of many intimacy-enhancing workbooks to read and work through together with your spouse. The challenge is not to “fix” the relationship but to create a new relationship following what may have been years of neglect.

The Revolving Door of Dating: Filling the Emptiness Within

I’m a thirty-four year old female. I feel like I can’t be without a boyfriend but no relationship seeks to work out long term. Most end up in fights and arguments and I’m out of there. I feel like I’m just getting older and doing the same thing over and over and over again. Yet I’m in this bind. Because once again, I’m alone. And I don’t want to be. I can’t even seem to stay uninvolved for more than a few weeks max. I get fidgety. I get lonely. I don’t know what to do with myself. Eventually I go out and meet someone and it seems to turn out the same way. I will admit that I probably drink too much alcohol but usually on weekends. I feel so empty inside. How do I get out of this hole?

Relationships can be addictive, just like alcohol, drugs, and a myriad of other things. You can’t patch up a hole in a garden wall with spit and glue. Yet so many seem to keep trying to do the equivalent with their lives. Over and over again. It’s part of the addictive cycle. It doesn’t work; it never did. In fact, it makes matters worse long-term. Believe it or not, we can be addicted to our own pain, to fear, to resentment, to negative ways of thinking, and to being unhappy. In fact, Eckhart Tolle referred to our addiction to pain as our “pain body”.

In addition, many people are addicted to the attraction phase in relationships rather than connecting to the persons themselves. During that phase, we often feel elated as a result of the release of the neurotransmitters dopamine and oxytocin as well as from other hormonal activity. Consider the fact that when you’re in a brand new relationship, you’re “on drugs” to a large extent whether you know it or not.

No, you didn’t deliberately place them in your body, but your system releases them neurochemically. In addition, our egos are often more interested in the idea or fantasy of the perfect person that will “fix” everything in our lives than in the actual human being him or herself. This is not love but unhealthy dependency.

From the little you’ve said, it seems to me that you do not feel whole and safe simply within yourself. Only a sober and honest reflection on your part will reveal whether this is true for you. If it is, as it is for so many people, the challenge is to fill yourself up from the inside out rather than the other way around. That means finally coming to terms with what feels like it’s missing inside. Remember: when you don’t go within, you go without. And not trying to fill that void, that emptiness with external things such as relationships, alcohol, drugs, or running out of the house to avoid feeling alone. This takes commitment, self-love, and discipline. It takes courage.

I would strongly suggest that you consider working with a counselor, life coach, or therapist so that you can have the objectivity, accountability, and emotional support you need. It is so very important that you identify what your inner child/the little girl within you is feeling.

Next, it is about giving her the love and nurturing and support that he or she needs in an unconditionally loving way — FROM YOU. We can indeed re-parent our wounded inner child selves. The healthy growth and maturation of a child requires that different sorts of needs be met at different points in our human developmental cycle. From infancy into young adulthood we grow as we are nurtured through various emotional challenges by our parents or caretakers.

To the extent that our caretakers have their own unfinished inner child wounds (which most adults do), they often are not able, however, to provide the unconditional love and support essential to a child's healthy development. For so many this results in various types of addictive and compensatory behaviors.

This is not about blame. It is about the reality of taking responsibility to locate your own woundedness and, once and for all loving yourself the way you need (and needed) to be loved. We are all loveable and worthy of love and happiness. Try to find that little girl within you and give her what she needs. This is the challenge. The alternative: putting that burden illegitimately on externals like addictive relationships and substances, results in, for most folks, a revolving door of despair with relatively brief interludes of distraction.

My 14 year old son Is out-of-control and doesn’t want me dating.

I’m a single mom of a fourteen-year-old son who is out of control. He’s temperamental, moody beyond belief, often angry and belligerent, and doesn’t confide in me. I’ve been divorced now for about three years but this behavior on his part has only been like this for about the last six months or a year. I’ve only just recently started to date again and he very loudly disapproves of just about anyone I date, doing his best to sabotage things.

First of all, know that a child of fourteen is generally going through a whole lot of hormonal changes that are going to affect his behavior. Teenagers are often rebellious as their hormones are very active and their bodies and brains are literally undergoing a major metamorphosis. Thus, on that level alone his behavior is not developmentally unusual.

On the other hand, there may be specific issues in his life that are causing him to “act out.”? “Acting out” is when an individual acts out conflict or stress rather than dealing with it directly. I’m wondering how the divorce affected him and whether he had and has an outlet to discuss his feelings in this regard. How is his –or does he even have a — relationship with his father? This may be part of the source of his irritability.

Does your son have friends and a social outlet? How is he doing academically? Does he exercise or participate in athletics? Do you know whether he is experimenting with alcohol or recreational drugs. Another question that comes to mind is whether any significant changes occurred in his life shortly before the period when he began to act out?

These are all important questions that may have a significant bearing on his emotional state. It may just be that he is just now beginning to emotionally to the dramatic change in the family circumstances. Perhaps he is grieving now what he wasn’t able to experience then. It may very well be that your recent dating has spurred uncomfortable feelings in him and reopened unresolved and possibly issues within him about the divorce of which he may not even be aware.

The bottom line is that there should be someone whom your son can trust and talk to about his feelings. This would allow a venting that would be most helpful. If he doesn’t have a best friend that he talks to and since he doesn’t seem inclined to talk to you, ask him if he would be willing to consider counseling, underscoring that it doesn’t have to be long-term and that if he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t have to go back. Find a counselor that works with adolescents; allow your son to “shop around”for the right person because the relationship and trust issue with a counselor is particularly profound at your son’s age.

Know that it’s not unusual or surprising that your son is resisting your efforts to date men. Regardless of the reasons things didn’t work out with your ex, he will always remain your son’s father. Bringing other men into the mix is likely to be seen, unconsciously by your son as a disloyal act on your part towards not only your son but towards his dad.

In addition, any time you spend with another man is less time spent with your son. Whether he admits it or not, he may still feel a sense of betrayal of your love for, and attention to his needs. Notwithstanding the limitations of some of his paradigms, Freud had many things right. The oedipal impulses of a boy towards his mom would dictate that he unconsciously feels that you are choosing other partners over him. In the classical oedipal dynamic, he may have had such unconscious feelings pertaining to his dad before the separation, but choosing men other than his dad may serve only to exacerbate such unconscious conflict.

The idea is to honor and give deference to your son’s feelings while honoring your own needs as well. Talking to your son thoughtfully and directly may be of great help. Let him know that you love him very much and that you will always be his mom and be there for him. Also let him know the same thing about his dad (unless this is grossly untrue). Validate his feelings — let him know that he has a right to them and that you can understand his feelings (try indeed to understand them).

However, also try to convey to him that you have a life and feelings also that you’re entitled to and that it’s important for you to move forward with your life as well. Tell him that this includes finding a new partner, if that is what you’re seeking. Perhaps also set aside special time each week or weekend that is specially designated as one-on-one time with him where you can talk and/or do things together. Ideally it would be beneficial if your son’s father also has a similar arrangement with him. Know that ultimately your son’s conflicts and anger are likely to diminish over time.

Your goal is to be as loving, supportive and patient with him as possible while honoring and attending to your own needs in a reasonable way. There are many, myself included, who believe that such a “reasonable way” should not entail your son meeting your dates until and unless there is a commitment and a long-standing exclusive relationship between the two of you. In other words, until and unless you become serious with one man, it would be, in my view, a huge emotional disservice to your son to create a situation where he would emotionally engage with and then be forced to disengage with different men as you proceed in your dating.

Seriously consider keeping your dating world and his world separate and apart until the “right” time comes along. Otherwise, you may be unwittingly exacerbating the roller coaster of emotions that he’s already experiencing.

Am I in a “rebound” relationship?

There’s really no easy to use litmus test to know whether you’re getting involved again too soon after the breakup of a relationship for reasons that have more to do with finding emotional help in ‘getting over’ your ex than anything else (otherwise known as a ‘rebound relationship’

But there are some questions that you can ask yourself:

Were you generally feeling comfortable, safe and happy on your own, day in and day out, without a primary relationship in your life before you became involved again?
Do you tend to go straight from one relationship to another without a break?
Do you tend to only leave one relationship if you have another waiting in the sidelines?
Are you afraid of being alone?
Have you ever spent a considerable period of time in your life by yourself, without a partner?
Do you have what we may call a ‘balanced life’, that is, one filled with a support system consisting of friends, family, as well as hobbies that you enjoy, satisfying work, and even a religious or spiritual life (if that’s something that’s important to you)?
What do you think of people you know who are not in a relationship ?
Do you feel sorry for them or feel some level of pity or shame for them?

These are some of the questions you may want to ask yourself in order to help you answer the above question.

The healthiest relationships are based on the desire to enhance two lives through love and acceptance rather than a desperate or overwhelming need for someone else to make us feel whole. So the question is: what drew you into your present relationship? Were you doing well emotionally before you met? The so-called ‘rebound’ relationship exists where ones motivation for being involved is based primarily on a distraction from the pain of loss rather than on the primary desire to join, love and be loved, and enhance each others’ lives, rather than a dependency-based relationship where one feels they wouldn’t be able to survive without a partner.

This is important: know that relationships are addictive and that, like all addictions, it hurts when they end. Often we’re preoccupied and obsessive about them and don’t know what to do with the sadness, the grief, the pain. But, as with all addictions, the pain will diminish over time. Time heals. So does God/Spirit or whatever your call your Higher Power.

This is not a black-and-white issue, however. All relationships have some element of dependency because it’s part of the human condition to find someone to connect with and rely upon in part, and at times. So if you feel a deep and abiding love for someone and the feeling is mutual, and where your relationship is not all or even almost all based on sex (often the culprit of creating a false sense of connection via the dopamine released by the brain, in which case a red flag should go up saying, “BEWARE”, you may be in the beginnings of a wonderful, healthy relationship, even if it is somewhat early following your breakup. And if you feel some level of dependency or comfort in having a partner again, that is not a reason, by itself, to conclude that you are necessarily involved prematurely. So some level of dependency is entirely human and not at all bad. It’s all a question of degree.

A new relationship can easily provide that distraction from the pain of separation from an old flame, thereby apparently blunting the discomfort somewhat. However, it’s not real healing. Because when we distract ourselves from our pain, such pain persists.

The adage ‘What we resist persists’is instructive here. And sometimes distraction can be a form of resistance. So the classic ‘rebound’ relationship is not healthy and indeed is generally only postponing the healing that must eventually take place. However, since we are all different as are our circumstances, what may be enough time for one person to ‘get over’ a separation may not be enough for someone else. It’s quite a personal thing. For some, it may be a few months or even weeks (depending upon a lot of factors including the length of the former relationship, whether it was live-in, etc.) and for others it could be a year or more. Sometimes we are grieving and healing even before a break-up technically occurs. So we can’t always measure the grieving and healing time from the date of separation.

The only place to look for the answer is in your heart. Connect with your primary motivation for being together now. Is it based on fear (which is a state of contraction)? Or is it based on a state of expansive love and connection, which is a higher vibrational frequency (meaning love that is not first and foremost dependency-based)? Only you can answer that question in the stillness of your heart. If it feels right based on the above, Mazel Tov (i.e. Congratulations). Try to learn your lessons from your last relationship and be grateful.

However, if your answer is that you don’t think you’d be able to survive the pain of your breakup and the loss of your ex without this new relationships, very, very strongly consider putting your new relationship on hold, seek out the help of a therapist, counselor or coach, assemble your support network upon which to lean on and from which to get emotional support, develop and cultivate those hobbies and avocations you?ve always wanted to, and work on yourself.

Yes, that’s right — be courageous enough to put your current relationship on hold until you’re strong enough to be more independent, healed, and emotionally present. If your present relationship really is strong enough and meant to be, it’ll be around when you’re stronger and ready to be involved again romantically. Have faith in that. Chances are that if you don’t collect yourself and build up your own strength now, this current love affair may very well not last, because relationships heavily built on dependency are not healthy and usually cause rifts, fights, angst, drama, and often result in another break-up. So be courageous, kind and loving to yourself.

Selected Posts:

Anchor 1

childbirth

spark

tell my boy

how can i tell

alternatives

dysfunctionAL WORKPLACE

he won't talk

i live at home

I Give and Give

I feel guilty

empty nest

revolving door

my 14 year old

rebound relationship

What to do. Here are some Rules of Thumb:

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Why is it important to know if you’re ‘in love’ or truly experiencing ‘love’? There are so many reasons, but I’ll mention just a couple.

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